while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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