Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
you made out with another girl for some wings
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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