I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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