i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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