A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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