I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
