i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
