I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
