xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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