Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
