His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
