Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Houston, we have a blender
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
