Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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