i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
