Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
