Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
