Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
