Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
