she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
