We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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