Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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