I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
