So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
