I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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