Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
