I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
