I wanna bring you to show and tell
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
