Don't you send me to vm
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
