Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
