saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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