dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
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Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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