Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
