I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
