Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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