she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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