I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
