This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
