A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
