She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
