My nipple is on Facebook.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
