Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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