I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
