Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
