That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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