My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
