thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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