hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
