Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
