I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
