a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
