Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
