I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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