I wish my penis had an off switch
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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