I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
