So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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