there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
