They should really pass out barf bags in church
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
