so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
